You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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