I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
