but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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