I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
