I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
