i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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