If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
