she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
