): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
