I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
