Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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