Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
