The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
