also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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