We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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