Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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