i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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