As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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