Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
