I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
