I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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