She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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