my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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