i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize