I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
that may or may not have been my penis.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
