Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
