Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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