Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Your dad touched me again.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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