is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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