Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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