I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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