Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
