I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
