successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
