I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
