Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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