He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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