I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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