Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
