Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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