I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
