I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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