Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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