why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
