Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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