you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
