brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
