I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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