Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
