he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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