i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
