I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
