Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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