wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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