i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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