i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
