She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
