my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
